I had to respond to your email after lurking on this board still since my mom passed away from Breast cancer reacurrence back in Oct. 2007.
Your questions and concerns sound the exact same as mine were. Also my mom was extremely positive intil the day she passed that she was going to see my 5 yr. old son graduate. She was only 62 and was diagnosed again with stage 4 in January 2007. My parents live in Sun City West, AZ and I'm far far away here in Seattle,WA. I was able to make two trips and spend approx. 3 weeks with her from Jan-Oct. but she wasn't in the right mind frame to even think about passing or want to go there in any conversation when I was at her home visiting. I admired her for being so brave and strong but I sure wish we would of had just a few more deep conversations then we did before she passed. My mom did start opening up to me over the phone about 3 weeks before she passed away about things she had never talked to me about before. She made sure to tell me that I was doing a great job with raising my son and also her dad had just passed of lung cancer and she talked about how death
was just part of life and said it kind of lightly like we all have to face it sometime. My mom was doing very well when I last saw her and then she slowly (but quickly) got worse. I could hear it in her voice on the phone and her breathing on oxygen fulltime was even hard for her to do anything but sit and watch TV for months before I even was told after she passed away. My Dad said she didn't want me to worry and spend alot of money coming back down there or pull my little boy out of school, quit my job etc...etc...that there was nothing anyone could do. I know she was protecting me but I wish I would of known just how important every single day was for me to be there. I called everyday sometimes twice a day and probably drove her crazy, but still I wish I would of had more time. This has been the hardest last 5 months of my life losing my mom (my best friend). If it weren't for this group I don't know what I'd of done, so many nice people on this board. My only
advice is if you can't be there make sure that you go ahead and say all those things that we wish we would of been able to say, just incase. Even if I would of wrote a nice letter just telling her what a great mom she was etc...ect.... I would of felt better then leaving things un said, because she was so positive and strong there never was a time to really bring anything up with her even on the phone. My moms doctor that I met when I was there was actually in shock when she died, because she was doing so well and even her markers were holding steady etc...they thought atleast 2-3 yrs. as strong as she was and her outlook on life. One never knows though which makes it so difficult being so far away. If there is any way you can visit or take time off of work if you think there's anyway you can spend every chance you get with her. One thing my mom did tell me or should I say teach me is too take risks "Life is Short". She did tell me that I needed to pursue my dreams
of someday opening up my own Pet Grooming Salon and do what I love. So that is exactly what I've been working on for the past 5 months. I have worked tons of overtime at my grooming job at the Vet Hospital to pay for a contractor to come in and remodel my garage into a salon. That way I can spend more time with my 5 yr. old son and chose my days off!
Hang in there it's a long rough emotional road but please know that we are here for you even though we may just be internet chat board members we all are thinking of you and are hear to help in any way we can. You'll be in my Prayers...
Laura Gutman <lgutman2002@yahoo.com> wrote:
Dear Lisa, i am sorry for the spot you are in, it is almost identical as to my situation 6 years ago (350 miles an 18 month old and a 4 year old - not school age at the time) the only advice i can offer is spend as much time as possible with her (weekend trips if possible). if she is up and still running the kitchen she may not be ready to talk about the next step yet, she is still in the battle (which is great)!!!! trust in your heart that you will know when is the time to talk about arrangements (do them before hand - it is so so so much easier), and you will know when the time is right to take off work and pull the kids out of school. you may want to talk to American cancer society or even hospices (it doesn't cost a thing to talk to them) ask them to go over the emotional stages with you so you know what to look for. i send wishes and prayers your way that her time is latter than sooner. in the mean time keep your head up, seek help when you need it,
its a very long dark tunnel...and that's all i can say is i promise you will come out the other end.
Laura
----- Original Message ----
From: lisasabine <lisasabine@yahoo.com>
To: daughtersofmomswithbreastcancer@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Saturday, March 22, 2008 1:15:17 PM
Subject: Daughtersofmoms withBREASTCANCER talking openly to mom
Hi. I am new to this group. My mom has had a reoccurance (over a year
ago) and just recently found out it has spread to a bone in her spine.
I live far from her and occassionally get to go with her to her appts.
She is now having pain and it seems that they have stepped up her
treatment even more. I am having a hard time getting clear answers
from my mom. She tries to protect me from bad news, but I really need
information! I do not want to upset her, but I want to try to have a
realistic picture of the time she may have. I would try even harder to
be with her (taking off work, taking the kids out of school). I want
to have a real discussion about her wishes when that time comes. Based
on what others have told me and what I have read, her time could be
limited. Any advice on how to open up conversation without sounding
like you've given up the fight. Of course, I want to support her while
she continues to fight, but do not want to look back and wish I had
done more, said things differently. ..Thanks for any support you may
offer.
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jan Lewis
Grooming Angel Pet Salon
(253) 686-6031
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