My family is quite use to me experiencing a little bit of depression during
the month of March, I mean, after all, I was a Daddy's girl, and even after
16 years, it still hurts to remember the day we lost him (March 14th) and
then his birthday (March 15th), and there is also the fact that my favorite
uncle's birthday was on the 8th and my aunt, who passed away last year's
birthday was on the 21st, as well as my deceased step-son, who although he
gave me SO much trouble when he was alive, I still love and miss him.
But that's only ½ the problem. Since I don't get around very well and our
vehicle was repossessed, I haven't seen my mother since January. I haven't
been able to attend any of her doctor's appointments or procedures because
my brother is too busy to pick me up before they go. I feel in my heart this
is his way of shutting me out. Which only made it worse because on the 7th,
I did as a younger sister is suppose to do and called and wished him a Happy
Birthday.
I listen to Mom when she comes back from the appointments and I hear the
fear in her voice. She just had the 'scope' test (I can't remember the
medical term) where they went down her throat to biopsy her liver to see if
what they see is more cancer. It's been two weeks and we've heard nothing.
And all it does is scare me even more. I sit here trapped in the house by my
illnesses, lack of vehicle, lack of finances and lack of friends and worry.
The more I worry, the worse I feel and the less I feel that I can tell
anyone the truth. I've never experienced the process of cancer, because the
family members that have died from cancer all hid it from me (especially my
dad) until there was nothing else to be done.
I knew that I had gone just about as far into this depression as I could
when I couldn't bring myself to get up to go to church this morning. I
wanted to, but I just couldn't. Now I'm sitting here feeling stupid and
hoping that God understands. I'm letting tears flow that I've been holding
back for a while now because everyone tells me that I have to be strong. I'm
strong with some things. I do okay that we don't have a vehicle, I even do
okay with the fact that the house has been foreclosed and we have just a few
months to find somewhere to live, but the fear of losing my mother is
starting to get to me. It's like I've forgotten all the little things that
are wrong with our relationship (uh, with me being Daddy's little girl; my
brother has always been Momma's boy) because I'd rather have her here
irritating me than be without her. It gets so bad sometimes that I have to
rush myself off the phone with her because I don't want her to hear me
crying and I know that I wouldn't be able to lie to her about what's wrong.
Things are looking a little better. My daughter has a vehicle now, of
course, since she doesn't think in advance, it's sitting in my backyard
because while she had enough money to buy it, she can neither insure it or
put plates on it. And I'm in no position to help her out. I guess I just
needed somewhere to unload this. I have thought about talking with my
Pastor, but since he's still basically staying with us, it's a little hard
to pull him aside and talk privately (his fiancé is here much of the time).
Well, I've ragged your eyes long enough. I'm praying for you all and ask
that you pray for me.
Stephanie in Detroit
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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